Still wondering about yesterday's FEECES?
"One gold egg doesn't make a golden goose."
What that means is that if one of your accounts makes a lot of money one day, it doesn't mean that the account itself can be labeled as a consistent moneymaker. For example, let's say you have an account for selling cookie dough (a very profitable business right now, as America's obesity reaches a record high--take advantage of that). If it loses 20 bucks a day for a week, and then makes 200 bucks one day, the account is not all of a sudden some super-reliable, profitable account. It just means some fat kid in Houston decided to buy some cookie dough online.
Here's today's daily FEECES:
"The more chickens you have, the more poop you have to clean up yourself."
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Your Daily "Farm Expression Enabling Concise Effective Speech"
Hello friends! I know I have not written in a while, but it's been a busy week at work. Actually, it's been a burnt week. My colleague and coworker from a third-world country burnt down our building by trying to put out a microwave fire with a plugged-in toaster. I know it sounds really silly, but if you were there, you would have done the same thing.
I've been told many times: "Hey Drew, you should really think about compiling all your wonderful expressions in a book and selling it at a flea market." Well, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I will say that if you think about all the stuff that four of the greatest thinkers of our generation--Donald Trump, Socrates, Thomas Edison, and Ghandi--have said, and then you compare it with what I've said, it's really not all that different. Because in the end, all five of us are all about one thing: driving profits.
Therefore, I've decided that I'm gonna give all my loyal blog readers a daily dose of what I call "Farm Expressions Enabling Concise Effective Speech", because I am all about conciseness and getting your point across when it comes to business conversations. These Daily FEECES will help everyone to become a more clear and communicaticable communicator, just like I can be always or sometimes but most of the time I am communication.
Here's today's FEECES: "One gold egg doesn't make a golden goose."
I'll explain what it means tomorrow. Any guesses in the meantime?
I've been told many times: "Hey Drew, you should really think about compiling all your wonderful expressions in a book and selling it at a flea market." Well, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I will say that if you think about all the stuff that four of the greatest thinkers of our generation--Donald Trump, Socrates, Thomas Edison, and Ghandi--have said, and then you compare it with what I've said, it's really not all that different. Because in the end, all five of us are all about one thing: driving profits.
Therefore, I've decided that I'm gonna give all my loyal blog readers a daily dose of what I call "Farm Expressions Enabling Concise Effective Speech", because I am all about conciseness and getting your point across when it comes to business conversations. These Daily FEECES will help everyone to become a more clear and communicaticable communicator, just like I can be always or sometimes but most of the time I am communication.
Here's today's FEECES: "One gold egg doesn't make a golden goose."
I'll explain what it means tomorrow. Any guesses in the meantime?
Friday, June 09, 2006
Cost Per Love
I know that some of you haven't heard the news yet, so I'll tell you here: Heather and I got engaged a few weeks ago! Yes, I know what you are thinking: "who would want to get married to that sucker?" Well, I'll tell you: Heather Leigh Ann Easton. I have now used colons in this many straight sentences: 4.
I've been asked to repeat the story of how I proposed to Heather in this blogspace. Some of my friends have said the story warms their heart. So while this may not help you find more leads for nursing degrees, it may "lead" you to love.
If I do say so myself, I'm a pretty creative person (I am pretty adept at writing haikus, for example). Because of this originality, I knew that I had to come up with something really "fresh", or "fly" to impress Heather. Basically, I wanted her to go "WOW, you are so creative, I have to marry you this instant!" I also wanted her heart to flutter (not literally though--her family has a history of angina pectoris).
I know that Heather likes my career because of the fact that she actually refused my advances 4 times until I told her that I was the vice president of a search marketing firm. To be completely honest, she actually refused my advances until she found out exactly how much money I was making (and at that point she actually called my boss to confirm), but the point is that she likes my career. Because of this, I decided to incorporate search marketing into the proposal. I must say, what I did was pretty awesome.
Any normal person searches for their own name on google anywhere between 5 and 30 times a day. I am on the high end of that spectrum because of a recent defamation campaign against me in which some past employees of my company somehow SEO'd the "Drew Iman is the Worst Boss Ever" page to the top of the natural search listings, but that is a story for another time. So anyway, I decided to buy the keyword "Heather Leigh Ann Easton", and make the following ad:
Heather Leigh Ann Easton
Want To Increase Your Love By 50% Now?
Sign-up For Your Free Marriage Proposal Today!
www.drewiman.com
That's a great ad right there! After that, all I had to do was sit back and relax (the only problem being that if she clicked on the link www.drewiman.com, it would actually take her to the "Drew Iman is the Worst Boss Ever" page, which is unfortunate, because I really wanted that url, seeing as how it's my name). I set the bid to $1.00 and waited. And I waited. And waited. After three months, she still hadn't searched for her name. I know this because I actually have remote-monitoring on her all of her Internet Explorer search history, as a way to build trust. Anyway, it was time for me to kick this plan into high gear!
I decided to go all out and bid on any keyword that she might use as a search term in the next few days. I bid on "weather in the sunset district", "LOST forums", "bikinis for 2006", "directions", "google", "yahoo", and "mesothelioma". Now I sat back and waited again. And waited. And waited.
I've been asked to repeat the story of how I proposed to Heather in this blogspace. Some of my friends have said the story warms their heart. So while this may not help you find more leads for nursing degrees, it may "lead" you to love.
If I do say so myself, I'm a pretty creative person (I am pretty adept at writing haikus, for example). Because of this originality, I knew that I had to come up with something really "fresh", or "fly" to impress Heather. Basically, I wanted her to go "WOW, you are so creative, I have to marry you this instant!" I also wanted her heart to flutter (not literally though--her family has a history of angina pectoris).
I know that Heather likes my career because of the fact that she actually refused my advances 4 times until I told her that I was the vice president of a search marketing firm. To be completely honest, she actually refused my advances until she found out exactly how much money I was making (and at that point she actually called my boss to confirm), but the point is that she likes my career. Because of this, I decided to incorporate search marketing into the proposal. I must say, what I did was pretty awesome.
Any normal person searches for their own name on google anywhere between 5 and 30 times a day. I am on the high end of that spectrum because of a recent defamation campaign against me in which some past employees of my company somehow SEO'd the "Drew Iman is the Worst Boss Ever" page to the top of the natural search listings, but that is a story for another time. So anyway, I decided to buy the keyword "Heather Leigh Ann Easton", and make the following ad:
Heather Leigh Ann Easton
Want To Increase Your Love By 50% Now?
Sign-up For Your Free Marriage Proposal Today!
www.drewiman.com
That's a great ad right there! After that, all I had to do was sit back and relax (the only problem being that if she clicked on the link www.drewiman.com, it would actually take her to the "Drew Iman is the Worst Boss Ever" page, which is unfortunate, because I really wanted that url, seeing as how it's my name). I set the bid to $1.00 and waited. And I waited. And waited. After three months, she still hadn't searched for her name. I know this because I actually have remote-monitoring on her all of her Internet Explorer search history, as a way to build trust. Anyway, it was time for me to kick this plan into high gear!
I decided to go all out and bid on any keyword that she might use as a search term in the next few days. I bid on "weather in the sunset district", "LOST forums", "bikinis for 2006", "directions", "google", "yahoo", and "mesothelioma". Now I sat back and waited again. And waited. And waited.
The problem this time was that while I waited, I also racked up a huge bill on adwords. Did you know that "mesothelioma" costs like 50 bucks a click!? WTF!? I just put it on there because her cat has it and I thought it would be funny. In one day, my adwords bill went to 140,000 dollars, which is probably more than I was willing to pay. However, that night, I got a call from Heather. She said that her best friend Becca was searching for "directions on how to talk your best friend out of gold-digging", and she found my ad. Heather said yes, and now we are scheduled to marry in two months! She said she loves me so much that she doesn't even want something silly like a pre-nup to get in the way, so we're going to hurry up and get hitched!
I will say, the major downside is that because of all the clicks, the "Drew Iman is the Worst Boss Ever" page is now the sixth most trafficked site on the web.
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