Meetings? Yes sir!

Hello loyal readers!

Well, I'm back from my "guys only" fly fishing/fantasy football draft weekend in Truckee. I caught a 23" trout but got mauled by a black bear. I'm okay though--just a few wounds and a broken collarbone. True story.

I wanted to talk about the importance of meetings. Some people think that meetings can be a waste of time. Apparently, they've never had a meeting Drew-style. Here are 6 ways to make your meetings effective:

1. Don't get bogged down by agendas. Frankly, agendas are just suggestions. If the agenda for a meeting is "Version 6.5 of the Quetzalcoatl Project", you are well within your rights--as a stockholder in the company--to talk about why no one is clicking on your ads that say "Click Here Now to be Taller!" Why wouldn't you want to be taller?
2. Always try to expand on points by talking more. In this day and age, we are suckered into thinking that conciseness and efficiency are the keys to effective communication. Even the best of us! Do you know how long the Gettysburg Address was? Only 4 minutes! Maybe if Lincoln wasn't rushing to get back to watch a Civil War docudrama on the History Channel, people would actually remember what he talked about! My point is that if you talk for 5 minutes about something, no one is going to remember what you talked about; it's a proven fact that 92.4% of men daydream about Lindsay Lohan and/or pastrami sandwiches for the first 5.3 minutes of every meeting (reference: Wikipedia). Therefore, talk it up! If you talk about the same thing for over 45 minutes, everyone will be talking about the meeting afterwards--trust me.
3. Always show your anger. I learned this one from my friend Sam. If you were to go into a meeting calm and relaxed, you'll get run over by the managers and the analysts. Sam says: "The more angry you are, the more important the meeting." This is true, without a doubt. Trust me on this one. If you walked into a meeting a threw a chair at the wall and then roundhouse-scissor-fly-kicked someone in the arm, people would totally not be bored. Try it.
4. Be divisive, not decisive. If people get along at work, they're gonna start hanging out all day and talk about manicures. The next thing you know, people will be talking to each other on a regular basis, which just hurts MMPM (money made per minute). The best thing to do is create factions within the company--this creates a sense of competitiveness that can spur your company to victory. Still not convinced? Answer this one: How many wars has Switzerland won? I'll tell you: Not as many as North Korea.
5. There are no stupid questions, unless it is agreed upon by majority. It's good for people to ask lots of questions, but there comes a point where it's like: "Hey, shut up, I don't care." We have to focus on the X's and the Y's; we don't have time for questions like: "Why has the launch date been pushed back?" or "Why did you increase bids to $60/click for 'free swiss food', even though you are directing the user to an education campaign?" WELL MAYBE THE SWISS WANT TO LEARN.

In summary, meetings should be longer.