Create This, Punk! ("This" meaning "Keywords" and "Punk" meaning "Loyal tagstreet Reader")

I've created a lot of keywords in my day. In my years of search marketing, I've probably created (no joke) close to over 1,200 keywords! I know that you new readers out there are thinking: "what a beastly exaggerator!", but it's true. In fact, with the advanced programs that are on computers nowadays, you can create a list of over 500 keywords in a matter of hours! And with just a few hints and tips from your ol' SEM buddy (that's me), you can create a list that will work FOR you, not FIVE you:

1. The best keywords are those that you have exclusivity on.
Think about this: if you go to the beach and there are 4 dudes selling fish tacos, each guy is going to get roughly 25% of the sales. Even if one guy, let's call him "Drew", totally makes sweet fish tacos that taste better than anything you've ever had in your life, especially after being let out of prison for stalking your ex-girlfriend on the internet. But let's say one of the fish taco vendors goes into the nearby redwood forest, where no one else is selling food. What percentage of the sales will he get in the forest? Almost 92% (8.4% bear tax)! That means you are best off bidding on keywords that no other competitor has ever though of. Something like "free freeness for free". Who doesn't want that?

2. Misspellings = mis-profits
Some of my colleagues at a competing agency create a list of common misspellings for their keywords and bid on those as well. Look, if someone can't spell "complementary Celezonarex androstenedione supplements" correctly the first time, what makes you think they can fill out their name and address on the next page? I've never seen a misspelling work. Ever. I don't know any other way to put this, but if you make typing mistakes, you're not Penn Foster material (although there is a typing program available--weird).

3. Trademarked terms might as well be "loss-marked"
Take my word on this one--no one searches for trademarked terms on the internet anymore. The 2000's are the Decade of Generic Itemry (reference: Wikipedia). Just look at the way people dress nowadays. When's the last time you saw someone wear a University of Phoenix pantsuit? Not since 1996. I think it went out of style with the LowerMyBills belt buckle. Go generic or go home.

4. Don't use a computer until you are ready to type the words individually into Lycos's AdCenter interface.
Unfortunately, in this day and age we are programmed to use computers to do everything. We use Microsoft Excel instead of calculating numbers by hand. We type things instead of writing. We surf the internet instead of going to adult bookstores. Why not do things the old-fashioned way? People will appreciate if all your keywords are chosen by hand. It will make the user feel as if he or she has been personally selected to go into space, or do whatever it is you're selling. Isn't it true that old-fashioned ice cream sells better than regular? (note: old-fashioned ice cream is a marketing gimmick, but you get my point.)

5. Don't expand on your best keywords unless you want to be an e-cannibal.
Let's say your best keyword is "bad credit loan" (that would never work, I just picked something at random). You wouldn't want to create a keyword that was similar because then you will cannibalize your profits! For example, if your original keyword gets 200 in revenue a month (okay, I know, that's outlandish) and your new keyword takes 10 dollars of that but creates only an extra 50 dollars, your revenue per keyword per month goes down from 200 to 120. How are you going to go public with numbers like that?

6. Bid on words that have heart and grit.
The fact of the matter is that anyone can click on these bohemoth words like "degree programs" or "ringtones". But it's the scrappy words that will get you over the hump. Get those keywords that will work harder than the others--they might not have that obvious connection to what you are selling, but they do the job because they persevere. Words like "instructions on how to unclog a low-flow toilet" for ringtones, or "pictures of sean preston spears federline wearing a wig from the revolutionary war period" for welding programs. Yeah it's true, you can't see the obvious connection, and no, these words are not the heavy lifters; however, one day, they will bring in that revenue that will push you right over your goal, and you'll be glad you picked up some scrappy keywords like "pictures of sean preston spears federline unclogging a low-flow toilet from the revolutionary war period".