The Five Biggest SEM Trends of 2006

Okay everyone, let's go back in time to a wonderful place called 2001, where two imaginary SEM guys are having an IM chat about their budding field of employment:


SearchOptimusPrime7: so hows business
OptimizeThis!: oh its great
SearchOptimusPrime7: wot was that new search engine you were talking about lol
OptimizeThis!: its called google lol
SearchOptimusPrime7: hahahahahahh thats a funny name google rotflmao
OptimizeThis!: yah its sounds like a baby made it up
SearchOptimusPrime7: yah a stupid baby who dosnt kno crap about SEM lol
OptimizeThis!: yah its hella dum brb lol a/s/l
SearchOptimusPrime7: it will never work lolwotatby ocijsppsaomk
OptimizeThis!: dood wat r u doing 4 lunch
SearchOptimusPrime7: Lees


Now, you're probably laughing at these imaginary fools that knew so little about search engine marketing that they were making fun of Google in its early stages. Well, there's a surprise in store: my screen name used to include my favorite Transformer and prime number.

While hindsight is a late night news show on ABC, I present to you my top 5 SEM trends of 2006:

5. Tracking is out, "Grit" and "Heart" are in
I've said it before but it bears repeating: tracking keywords and urls and ex-girlfriend's addresses and the like is a WASTE OF TIME. You think you will actually be able to watch how different keywords change, but all that happens is that you get a restraining order. Go with your gut.

4. Small Sample Size is imperative in 2006
Frankly, there's no time to waste in 2006. Judging things on a small sample size is what babies do all the time with food and other stuff. Put it in your mouth, and if it tastes good, shove as much as you can in there, including cat food. Same goes for SEM. If your account brings in 50 bucks before 9 am, and it usually only brings in like 40, crank those bids up and take advantage of the cash cow that is known as Saturday!

3. The hot new vertical is bovine insemination programs (don't laugh, it's a real industry)
Do you even know how many cows have to be artificially inseminated every day? My guess is like 60,000,000. There are more cows than people in Calfornia (reference: Wikipedia), and if people knew that, they'd totally get on the bandwagon and get a BI degree post haste. Hello? Didn't anybody in this industry go to UC Davis?

2. Lycos
Lycos is the new Google, just trust me on this one.

1. Ad Text should be confusing, not defusing
2006 is the Year of Unbridled Curiosity (reference: Wikipedia). If your ad test is straightforward, no one is ever going to come to your site. Something like "Online Degree Programs: Get your nursing degree online" is only going to get clicks from people who want nursing degrees. That's only like 5 percent of women! Instead, confuse people into thinking they've won something and you'll get volume up the wazoo, literally. Try something like: "Click Here For Info on Who Killed JFK plus a billion dollars! Here's a hint: Lindsay Lohan."

You're welcome.